Feel Good 101_The Outsiders' Guide to a Happier Life Page 20
Second of all, the list serves as a means to remind me of how much there is to experience in the world. There are 195 countries in the world that I can choose to put on that list to visit, and the sense of accomplishment I feel when I achieve a goal that relates to the things I love, such as YouTube and music, is worth sticking around for. If you are someone who is perhaps feeling complacent with the world, and wondering if your life has any purpose, give it purpose. The world, despite its flaws, is a ginormous, beautiful place, filled with some wonderful humans and breathtaking sights. Start your life list with places you wish to visit, whether it’s Machu Picchu or Tiananmen Square, and start working towards finding ways to make those dreams happen! Slowly work up towards expanding your list to career goals and things to do with your passions, as you discover them. Your life list should serve as a reminder of all the possibilities you have on this planet, despite its occasional awfulness. The sense of accomplishment is a thousand times stronger than the feeling of hopelessness.
What is on your life list?
Looking Ahead (And Looking In Front Of You)
When I was younger, my main emotion was worry. Whilst I would still classify myself as a bit of a worrier, I am no longer led by my fear of bad things happening. As I mentioned previously, I’ve struggled a lot with catastrophic thinking – essentially, fearing the worst. I was convinced that I was going to fail my GCSEs, and therefore not get into college. Not getting into college meant not being able to get a degree, and that meant never having a wellpaid job. No one would want to fall in love with someone in a dead-end job, so I would be alone for ever. I managed to map out my entire future as a failure before I’d even truly begun to start living. To me, at the age of fifteen, if I didn’t get the highest grades imaginable, my life was over. I wasn’t enrolled in a stage school as a young child, and my voice wasn’t the strongest in the world – so I would never be a successful musician. I spent my time waitressing consumed with the fear of being fired and never being able to find another job. I was so fixated on looking ahead that I became spiritually short-sighted. I was so stuck on fearing the worst that I set aside no time to simply relax and enjoy being young. This, coupled with my anxiety issues, meant that my teenage years were (in my opinion) completely wasted. I spent my early youth acting like an elderly woman – always trying to make the right impression, led by fear instead of love.
I am not going to sit here and be all clichéd and say something like don’t worry about anything! Life is too short! YOLO! The truth is: a little bit of worrying is healthy. It means that you care. However – it is important not to let your life be led by negative feelings. I do not always ‘live in the moment’ – I often have to plan far ahead with music releases and video ideas – but whenever I can, I try my hardest now to simply live my life day by day. Sometimes, when I’m really lucky, I can plan my life from one meal to the next. I prioritise my happiness and social life over things that will stress me out (even if it does mean having to work a little harder to catch up sometimes!). I see my family as often as I can, I go shopping with friends, and most of all, I don’t take things as seriously as I used to. I know that there will be times when you won’t feel as though you can take time out from your schedule to just relax, but I can guarantee there will be a few moments a week when you could definitely be kinder to yourself – always take those opportunities.
An overwhelming majority of the time, I’m able to see insults and gossip about me online as just words on a glowing screen. That glowing screen doesn’t even have to glow at all if I choose not to let it. I can uninstall social media apps from my phone (I often do) and enjoy living in a world away from the Internet every now and again. I go for walks listening to my favourite music. I see my friends without feeling the need to post about it online (because if you hang out with friends and don’t take a group selfie to prove it, did you really hang out with them at all?). If I begin to feel fear about a deadline, I try to schedule a light, even amount of work towards that deadline over a few days, and then treat myself if I do the amount of work I’d pledged to do. If I feel a personal issue with friends or family begin to escalate, I will do my best to solve it as soon as possible without bottling my feelings up. If an issue doesn’t concern me, I will no longer get involved like I used to, but simply mind my own business. Over the past year of my life, I have made a lot more time for myself, despite being busier than ever – and my mental health, whilst still fragile at times, is doing much better overall.
As I said in Chapter Two about my experience with anxiety, as much as we like to worry about little things in life, ultimately, worrying does nothing. Worrying about a problem, as opposed to actually taking steps to solve it, is counter-productive. It will add stress and make you prone to exacerbating the situation. Worrying has zero benefit to your well-being. Of course, not worrying is easier said than done, but I am a testament to the correlation between getting older and caring less. Over time, you’ll find yourself becoming hardened to things that you’ve come across before, and you’ll find yourself far too tired to deal with stress that doesn’t need to be at the forefront of your mind. Over the past couple of years, I’ve honestly found that I’ve started to care less about what people think of me, without making a conscious effort. Once you stop allowing fear and worry to rule your life, you will no longer be in the passenger seat of your own existence: you will be driving, cruising at whatever speed you like, taking the scenic route whenever you choose, with your favourite music blaring through the speakers. This may seem a world away to you right now – but my journey to happiness has been long and arduous. I’m not even at my final destination yet, but I’m going forwards, not backwards, and in time, if you’re not already – you will too.
Life Is Not A Movie
The problem with living in a society obsessed with celebrity culture and the entertainment industry is that we grow up alongside television and movies as much as we do our parents. The first movie I remember falling in love with was Toy Story, which came out when I was four years old. As well as becoming convinced that sentient toys would become active as soon as my back was turned (I would spend hours trying to ‘sneak up’ on my toys, but those fuckers are quick, let me tell you), I also began to believe the narrative of things always work out. There is always a happy ending.
It isn’t really until your early teens that you begin to understand that sometimes that isn’t the case. The guy doesn’t always fall in love with the girl. The hard-working student doesn’t always get the highest grades and get accepted into their chosen university. Parents do not always get back together. Friendships are not always mended after a massive fall-out. Truly, along with hormones, learning the hard lesson that life is not like the movies comes as a huge shock to the system, and it is often overlooked as a reason for so many cases of depression in teenagers. Adults (or at least people my age and above) reading this might be scoffing, thinking, Well, kids have to learn! They need to stop expecting everything to fall into their laps and grow up! But deep down inside, that happy ending narrative stays with us all. In a world where we are told by the media and really clichéd hipster posters to keep up the ‘good vibes’, we all desperately wish for the problems in our lives to be solved quickly, effortlessly and painlessly.
In the real world, shit happens. All of the time. We don’t get a callback after a job interview. Our relatives die. Our relationships break down. Our mental health takes a beating. A typical movie will follow the traditional plot points: protagonist is introduced, progress is made, protagonist faces a conflict/dilemma, all hope is suddenly lost, a cheesy pep talk happens, action is taken, the conflict/dilemma is solved, everyone is happy. Life simply isn’t like that. We will face hardships at random intervals, and they’re not always followed by pep talks and a heroic comeback. The sooner you stop treating life as one big search for a happy ending and accept that life is a constant wave of trials and tribulations, solving each and every little problem as it comes instead of worrying about the big
picture – your life will improve.
Say that you’ve always had the dream of getting married. Despite your job aspirations and hobbies and passions, the thing you want more than anything is to walk down the aisle. You meet the person of your dreams, get engaged, and finally the big day arrives. Everything is perfect and goes without a hitch. If your life were a movie, it would stop at a freeze-frame as you drive off into the sunset in your car that has JUST MARRIED sprayed on the back window.
Your life does not end the second you achieve your dream of being wed. Instead, your dreams change with you. Now, the challenge is to find a new goal that consumes your being and drives your existence, as well as maintaining a healthy marriage. You were so fixated on your one goal of getting married that anything after your wedding was unprepared for. Let’s change it slightly: say that your dream has always been to become a vet. You go to college, you go to university, you get the qualifications you need, and finally, you’re hired. You’re doing the job you’ve dreamed of having since you were a child. The end! Roll credits. Only, your job, whilst being something that you love, will often be challenging – you will have great days, and you will have terrible days. Either way, your heart will continue beating, and you hadn’t really thought about what you wanted for your life past the point of being hired to stick a thermometer up a cat’s butt (I’m sorry, vets – I’ve never had to use your services, so in my mind, this is all I envision you do on a day-to-day basis. People also think I just talk to a camera five minutes a week, so trust me when I say I mean no disrespect to your craft).
The trick is not to have a definite end goal in life, which is hard when that is all you’re pressured into conjuring up for yourself when you’re going through school. From the moment we’re old enough to understand pictures on flash cards, our parents are asking us what we want to be when we’re older, as if a career is the most vital thing in our existence as opposed to good health, happiness and a sense of freedom. Sadly, it is money that makes the world turn, not love and kindness, and this is why we are taught from colostrum (don’t look that word up) to value money and strive to get a well-paid job in order to be happy. Of course, a well-paid job is great – a job you love is even better – but material accomplishments should be goals along the way, not at the end of the rainbow. Instead, our long-term goals should be emotional ones, such as feeling happy and proud of ourselves, experiencing love and making memories with our friends and family, seeing the world and experiencing the joy that freedom brings to the soul. Once you learn the difference between the initial feeling of satisfaction you get from acquiring something new and the long-term feeling of being in a good mental state, your life will improve. You will begin to prioritise the things that make you truly happy. You will say yes to more exciting prospects, and no to the more tedious ones. You will open yourself up to loving, and being loved, and when your credits do finally roll, not at the end of an achievement, but at the end of a long, happy life, I hope you’ll be proud of the unique, non-formulaic movie you directed.
I know, I said life wasn’t a movie, all right? Don’t get technical on me. It was a cool sentence to end the chapter on, and now we’ve ruined it. I suppose I could just delete that last sentence. Oh, and the one I just wrote. You know what? It’s like I said – not everything has a perfect ending. It’s not the destination that counts, but the journey, right? Let’s move on before I start saying ‘YOLO’ un-ironically.
13
The Tough Son of a Gun
The New You
At the very start of this book, the end of which we are nearing, I said, ‘This book won’t change your life.’ I never set out to write a book that would revolutionise your way of thinking – only to document my own journey from being a weak, depressed teen to becoming the stronger, happier person that I am today, stating what I would do differently now as though I were having a conversation with my former self. If my words have helped you in any way so far, that is the best bonus I could’ve hoped for. In this final chapter, I want to talk about a few changes I have been able to make to my attitude towards life that have transformed the way I live. I am, by all accounts, a stubborn, persistent motherfucker of a woman, a far cry from the weak-willed doormat of a girl I was just ten years ago. It has taken a lot of time and a lot of lessons learned the hard way in order to develop the self-confidence and assertiveness I own today, and I have no doubt that, just like they were for me, these words of advice will be hard to follow immediately. In fact, I am willing to bet that these lessons will be of little use to you until you naturally discover them for yourself. However – I am going to give them to you regardless. Do with them what you will:
Learn the power in saying no. By this, I don’t mean going out of your way to cut someone down to size, or make them feel insignificant. Growing up, as I’ve said, I was a doormat. I was susceptible to peer pressure, despite being adamant that I was strong-willed; I would do anything my friends told me to do out of desperation to keep them around; I quit my job in the shoe shop because I felt intimidated; I would work unpaid overtime whenever I was asked because I was afraid of losing my job. Over time, you will lose patience for doing things that do not benefit you. Let me tell you: you do not have to look after your friend’s sister’s incontinent dogs just because someone asked you nicely, and if your ‘friend’ is the type of person who would think badly of you for unashamedly saying that you don’t have time or that you simply don’t want to, they’re a shitty ‘friend’. Of course, I am not saying you shouldn’t do favours for friends – kindness makes the world a better place, and one day, that favour will (or at least should) be repaid in kind – but there will come a time when you reach a pivotal moment with your sanity when you realise that you have to start becoming more selfish. Be kind where you can, but most importantly, make time for yourself; treat yourself as though you are your own best friend. Say no to things that will upset you or distract you from your own projects when you can’t spare the time. If you don’t feel like going out clubbing with friends, you don’t have to go if you truly don’t want to. You will begin to thank yourself when you focus on your own happiness after being selfless for so long.
You also do not have to justify why you are saying no to something – the word ‘no’ is enough. You do not have to be rude when declining to go somewhere or do someone a favour, but also you do not owe anybody an explanation. If you don’t want to do something you don’t have to, and that is enough of a reason to give. If your friend is asking you in that really annoying tone, ‘Ohhh, come on, it’ll be fun! Why not?’ you do not have to give a bogus reason or excuse. Simply state, ‘I just don’t feel up to it. I’ll make it up to you another time. Have a great night.’
You do not need to live in fear of your bosses at work either, so long as you are adhering to your contract and job description. Management – particularly in large companies and franchises – is there to protect you. You cannot be forced to work more hours than you are contracted to, and you cannot expect to be reprimanded for not going above and beyond without being paid for your time. You cannot be fired for requesting a holiday that is entirely within your contractual rights.
Once you stop allowing the people in your life to walk all over you, and stop trying to justify why you are saying no, you will become more confident and truly begin to feel in control of your time and emotions. I encourage you still to seize new opportunities, and to see friends you care about whenever possible, but if you feel as though someone is taking advantage of you or trying to force you into doing something you don’t actually have to do, you have every right to kindly say the word ‘no’. Take the word we were raised to associate with negativity and flip it on its head – saying ‘no’ can be a very positive thing for your own well-being.
Stand up for yourself. This definitely ties in with the last point about being able to confidently say no, but everything you want to be is on the other side of your fear. If you are being teased or bullied, don’t let it slide. Take the necessary ste
ps in order to make it stop. If someone you consider a friend is allegedly gossiping about you behind your back, confront them and ask them if the rumours about their gossiping are true. Cut out anyone who makes you feel inferior and who refuses to change their ways. If you recognise a relationship is turning toxic, seek help if necessary, and leave. Life is far too short to be lived as a meek, downtrodden shell of a human. Have confidence in your capabilities, and try to see yourself as you see your heroes: strong, empowered, confident, the opposite of worthless. If someone is upsetting you, don’t take it lying down. Do not let someone else – whether they are close to you or not – make you feel small, weak or stupid. Do not allow yourself to remain in scenarios where you are suffering. Stay strong, fight back, and stand up for yourself at any given moment. What’s the alternative?!
Get back up. We’ve spoken about this already – rejection is tough. Sometimes, someone you fancy (if you are unlucky enough to fancy anybody) won’t reciprocate your feelings. That book you’ve worked hard on and submitted to tons of publishing companies might get rejected across the board. You might not get that callback for that dream job that you’ve been sitting by the phone for. You might feel as though you’ve found your forever boy/girl, as I did, and then they might slip through your fingers. Whilst depression and feeling sad about a loss or rejection is not a choice, having your moment of emotions and then getting back up and out there in order to try again is a conscious effort that is always available to you. Some rejections will be harder than others to recover from – a bad break-up can make you feel unable to get back on the dating scene for years, and every rejection can feel like another chip at your block of self-confidence. It is okay to feel knocked down, but it is imperative that you get back up again, just like the Chumbawamba song says. You know the one. At the end of the day, when you have been knocked down, you have two choices – you can stay down, winded, wallowing in your injured pride and shame for days, weeks, months or even years, or you can slowly fight your way back on to your feet, with less pride but far more experience, having learned a valuable lesson about how to avoid getting knocked down in the same way again. Get knocked down, get back up again, and never let them keep you down.